Thoughts on Body Image

When you get pregnant you are expected to gain weight. 30-40 pounds is what my doctor told me, but gaining a bit more is okay. Forgivable, anyway. I did give birth to a nine pound baby. I'd lost nearly half the weight I'd gained by the time I left the hospital. I have to admit, it was the fastest weight loss plan if ever been on!

However, now it's been two months, and I'm getting anxious to get back to my prepregnancy weight. I have little time for exercise, let alone getting to the gym. I'm starting to take steps in watching what I eat. Because I'm breastfeeding, I can't cut back on calories. I'm still eating for two. But replacing some carbs with veggies and sugar with fruit are reasonable steps I can take for now. 

Why does it matter, though? Health, yes, but there's more to it. I'm concerned about how my clothes fit. I'm worried about the number on the tag of my jeans. I'm aware of the extra pounds on my hips that squeeze over my waistband.

My weight is appropriate. I know this. I tell myself this. My body will return mostly to normal. It still bothers me, though. I feel jealousy towards my friends and the women on blogs I read who only gained 25 pounds during their pregnancy and could fit into their normal jeans two weeks post partum.

Its a shame that society makes women feel like this about their bodies. It's a shame that I allow myself to feel this way about my body. Sometimes it doesn't bother me. Then I pull out a piece of clothing that used to be on the big side for me that is now tight. Sigh. 

It's a tough place to be, but I'm trying to have a healthy attitude about it.

And overall, it's a small price to pay for my healthy, growing, adorable son. 

World Prematurity Day

Today is World Prematurity Day, and I just wanted to take a moment to remember my little preemie.

Penny was born after 34 weeks of pregnancy, officially. My husband and I think she was further along, but mis-aged  because of her size and many other genetic issues. I'd developed HELLP, which meant the baby had to come out immediately. She was so tiny, I knew ahead of time that she would have to be a c-section baby. She lived for three days, and passed away in my arms surrounded by family. 

Today, I want to be thankful for the time I had with my daughter. I want to be thankful for the babies that got to go home and thrive. Especially I want to be thankful for my healthy, full term son, who was a c-section birth because of his little big sister.

Two Months with August

It has been two months since my son was born. How life has changed! I'm always busy with him, even if he's just napping on me after eating. Somehow at the same time I feel like I can never get anything done and more gets done around the house. I am home more now that I'm a SAHM and not a nanny. I need to keep developing balanced routines with him: playing when he's awake, cleaning and organizing while he's asleep, eating when he's entertaining himself. Hopefully we can set aside more time for me to excercise soon!

August is a great sleeper. We moved him into his own room when he was three weeks old. He was waking up both me an my husband with just his sleepy coos and rolls, and I'm sure we were waking him, too. As of now, he usually only gets up twice at night to eat, and wakes up after 6am. He's slept in past 7am before, and those are great mornings. I usually bring him into our bedroom while my husband gets ready for work. August just loves smiling at us in the morning! I'm surprised how well I've adjusted to less sleep! I hardly notice it now.

August is huge! He's all torso; his limbs haven't caught up yet. I guess that's a good thing, or he'd be in six month sizes instead of three month! He is nine weeks old today, and had his well checkup. He didn't like it so much (so many colors in his face - pale white to angry purple), but he really did okay. 

Our boy has the sweetest toothless grin, a head of crazy hair, and loves to kick his feet to bounce in his bouncy seat. The ceiling fan is a great source of entertainment - movement and contrast! He does well at church and restaurants and grocery shopping. He's such a pleasant, easygoing kid! 

I love my little man!

Realizations from a New Mom

First Month:

1. Recovering from a C-section is draining. Doing so while also feeding another person is more exhausting than I've ever experienced.

2. He and I need each other. There are times I feel nauseated because I need some skin to skin cuddle time with my little man. 

3. Sleep is a premium. If he sleeps on me I can't sleep for his safety. If he's stirring at all I can't sleep for fear he'll rouse and need comforting or feeding. If he is sleeping soundly, I wake up about half an hour or more before his next feeding, which is a waste of much needed mommy rest.

4. Breastfeeding hurts. For nearly the first week we had latching trouble which caused me a lot of pain every time he ate. It's better now that he's gotten practice eating the right way and I've gotten to know the difference between the feeling of a bad latch and old soreness. 

Second Month:

1. Growth spurts stink. All the great rest everyone was getting goes out the window. He's crabby and eating like mad and waking up every two hours. ...then he grins and it's all worth it.

2. Those grins! The first time I realized he was smiling responsively was amazing. He's a charmer; we'll have to keep an eye on him!

3. Breast milk has some force behind its flow. I need to keep a burp cloth nearby for all the spills we make. 

4. Mothers' love is different from other kinds of love. I always am aware of August, even in the back of my mind. I would face my fears for his benefit. It feels different, like wanting to celebrate his tiny achievements and feeling horrible anytime he's upset. It makes our bond all the more special.

August Amzi Stanley

He has arrived!

Tuesday September 2nd at 9:26am, August was born into this world. 

We woke early that morning, spending our last hours of non-parenthood sleepily preparing for surgery. I'd been hoping but gradually losing hope of going into labor naturally. The Braxton Hicks contractions I'd had throughout pregnancy seemed to be all for naught. Walking into the doors of Winnie Palmer, I'd pretty much accepted that. And it was okay. 

Filled with anxious nerves and epidural medication, I was wheeled into the operating room where I would soon meet my son. It only took a few minutes of tugging before the doctors pulled August from my womb and into the world - all nine pounds nine ounces of him!

Then I understood why we had to have a repeat C-section. How would I have ever been able to deliver a baby that size myself? We would have ended up with another emergency operation, or a ruptured uterine wall, or some other catastrophe. God is good in His planning. 

August is whole, and a great, strong baby. I love this little man! 

Eviction Notice to a Baby

August Amzi Stanley,

It has come to our attention that your nine month lease has come to an end. Thus, you must vacate the womb you have been occupying.

We understand that the space you have been living and growing in has been quite comfortable to you, and you may be sloth to leave it. However, please be reassured that you will be promptly furnished with many accommodations which are currently beyond what you can imagine in your fluid filled world. You will be loved and cared for, and given many opportunities to learn and grow that would be impossible should you remain in your current lodgings. You will get to see the faces of the people who you have been hearing (hereafter referred to as "Mama" and "Daddy"), as well as many others. As you continue to grow, you will experience food, crawling, walking, school, friends, and more. Just you wait. It'll be worth it.

You have until 9am on September 2nd to comply. Should you choose to remain, your eviction will be forcefully and medically necessitated. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Happy birthday.

2 Weeks to Go

Today marks two weeks before the C-Section.

In my head I know he still has plenty of time to arrive before then, but having that deadline makes me anxious. I know it won't be the end of the world if August has to be a C-Section baby, but I would be disappointed. I keep feeling like he's just going to stay in there. I know - every pregnant woman says that. I'm just ready. There's nothing else to prepare. I'm ready to be a mom again, without the marring of grief. I'm ready to take him home and have him meet all of his family. All that's left is the waiting.

...Because Gilmore Girls quotes apply to everything.

At the last doctor visit they checked my fluid levels via ultrasound. It was very brief, so they didn't get a great picture, but here's his last photo op until he makes his debut!

37 weeks and 5 days down...