Allergy Guilt

Yesterday was going to be fun. We were going to go to play group, and August was going to swim in a pool for the first time in months. We were going to join Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-Fil-A donned in spotted cow t-shirts.

Instead, August had another allergic reaction.

I gave him some scrambled eggs for the first time with breakfast, and he developed a rash on his face within five minutes. I got out the Benedryl right away. I carry it with me everywhere since the first reaction. I struggled to get the dosage right, because I'd rather give him a small dose than an overdose, but who can remember the difference between 1.5 mLs and 2.5 mLs when their kid is turning red and spotted and he's scratching his face and what if his throat starts swelling? I called his doctor, and she told me what to watch for, and that I could give him a slightly bigger dose of medicine. Like the pediatrician told me, I watched him all morning for swelling and difficulty breathing. He fussed because he was itchy and uncomfortable, and took a nap on my chest. We snuggled and watched Cars as the medicine did its job, and he started feeling back to normal.

He's fine, and this just means we need to watch what he eats even more, but I still feel guilt about it. I'm his mother, shouldn't I be able to feed my kid without his body attacking itself? Why would I give him eggs, am I crazy? How could I give him something that makes him feel so badly?

It is a little crazy to feel like that. How could I have known? But I feel that responsibility as his mother. Like I need to protect him perfectly, while still letting him make his own experiences. I feel like my experience as a child caregiver should give me a heads-up, but instead I'm still broken and making mistakes that my child carries the punishment for. That is something I need to repent of.

I need to recognize that my parenting can't save me, and especially can't save my son. This is something I need to surrender to Jesus, even though it's hard. Please pray for me, and for August's health. He's young enough that he may grow out of these food allergies, or we may become a fully nut-free, egg-free household.

I do know that I'll be making his birthday cake myself this year.

What I Mean to Say Is

Sometimes I talk like Penny never existed.

Sort of. I've never forgotten her, although the pain of mourning her passing has dulled. There just aren't the right phrases to explain our family in short conversations. In particular, I notice it when I'm talking about my first child, or the number of children I have, or child order. 

For example, when someone comes up to me and August at church or in the grocery store and, usually as an excuse to spend a few moments with my cute baby, they start a conversation with me. A question that naturally comes up is "Is he your first?" Or, "Is he your only child?"

I usually pause before answering this question. The fully truthful answer is "No, we had another daughter who passed away." Sometimes I'll say that, especially at church, but it leads to a longer, not very happy, conversation. Sometimes I just don't feel like getting into it. Then I'll often say "He's our only baby at home right now." It's an odd way to phrase it, though, and again might come across as evasive or confusing for someone who was just trying to make light conversation.

But what can I say? The right, short phrases don't exist in English.

How do I explain that she never felt like ours, at least not solely ours? She was a true gift from God for us to love briefly and struggle over for a lifetime. He warned us, through doctors, about her pending dramatic arrival. She flit into our lives for a short three days to change it forever. We had made a place for her, but her true home was in God's hands.

So yes, August is our first that God gave us to raise in our home. He's my firstborn son, who I love. Any of his future siblings, who we pray will be as healthy as he is, will be our second, third that fit that description. But they will be our third, fourth overall.

But August has a big baby sister, with God in heaven. He'll learn about her as he gets older. She will be a non-present member of our family always. She may have made our lives complicated, but we will always, always love her.

Peanut Butter Fiasco

So, August is allergic to peanut butter.

I was eating peanut butter off a spoon, and August leaned in and licked some off. Sneaky kid. At first I wasn't really concerned, so I just kept an eye on him because I knew peanuts can be an allergy risk for babies. No one else in our family has any peanut allergy. Sure enough, within a few minutes he developed a rash around his mouth, under his nose, on his chin. 

My hand was shaking when I called the pediatrician, who told me to head to urgent care. He was salivating more than usual, and they were concerned that it could progress into anaphylaxis. Fortunately, no swelling happened, and by the time the urgent care doctor saw him, the rash was mostly gone. They confirmed his allergy, and gave him a dose of Benadryl. 

At least he was a good sport about the whole thing.

The doctor said he might have a rash on and off for the next few days, and he broke out all over his body around bedtime. Poor boy was so itchy, but I'm trying to keep him from scratching. I wrapped him tight in a sleep sack and socks so he won't ruin his skin. He's sleeping soundly, and that's reassuring to me.

This is a scary sight for a mama.

This whole thing really shook me up, though. My big, healthy baby was breaking out in a rash and I had to take him to the doctor. He won't be able to eat peanuts, or anything produced in the same factory as peanuts, at least for several years until he can be allergy tested. That's a shame, because we make some good recipes with peanuts, and we may need to de-nut our kitchen. But mostly I'm worrying about my kid. I worry that he could relapse in the night. I'm worried about accidentally exposing him when he gets older. I'm worried about things I can't even think of yet.

The good news is that we now have Children's Benadryl in the house.

As the nurse said, "that's one way to identify an allergy." 

Please pray for us. It's been a stressful evening.

Homemade Baby Food

I love making August's baby food! I don't know what it is about it - if it's using the food processor, if it's knowing what's in his food, if it's his enjoyment of eating what I make - but I love it. 

I give him about two new foods a week, spaced about four days apart to be sure he doesn't have a reaction to it. So far he's had squash, green beans, carrots, sweet potato, avocado, and applesauce. He didn't care for the avocado or applesauce, so we'll try those again in a few weeks. I already have banana, pears, and strawberries puréed and frozen for when he's ready. It's easy to just shop for the produce that's on sale, and it does help us consume all the vegetables we buy weekly. 

I can't wait until he's older and I get to try new food combinations for him. In just a couple weeks we'll be able to start him on protein, too! 

Hair

Y'all. My child has crazy hair. It's like he has 16-year-old hair in the back, 60-year-old in the front, and it's thinning on the sides. 

Part Mohawk, part combover.

A mo'over. My baby has a mo'over. 

It's kind of ridiculous.

But ridiculously cute.

Weird Things to Tell a Mommy

When I was pregnant, I was pleasantly surprised how few weird comments were directed at me. I almost never had to answer too personal questions and no one tried to touch my round belly. 

Then I had the baby. 

Babies seem to break down social barriers. Random people come up to me just to look at him. I don't usually mind - I love looking at his sweet smile, too. But sometimes people say the weirdest things around newborns. Here are a few recent gems:

1. While shopping, I've been asked several times by several people, "What aisle did you get him on?" Ok, I know they were trying to be cute, but it's a pretty weird thing to say if you think about it. It implies that I bought (or conceived!) him in the grocery store. Or even that they want to buy my baby. So inappropriate. My baby is an independent person, not property. Even in an adoption situation, in which money is exchanged to bring the child home, parents are paying for the services and paperwork required, not for the child him- or herself. I feel like people need to think about the implications of their words before they speak them - especially to a stranger.

2. "I just want to eat him up!" Cannibalism. Enough said.

3. "She is so cute!" Gender doesn't have to be an awkward guessing game, y'all. Feel free to ask me "What's your baby's name?" or "Is your baby a boy or a girl?" I love answering questions about my child! But don't assume that he's a girl because he has a lot of hair. Or if you can't tell from his name, please ask me to clarify. Gender is a know-before-you-go subject in my book. By the way, August is a boy's name and Augusta is a girl's name.

4. This is more of a "weird thing to do." Strangers touching my baby. One of the perks of baby wearing is that fewer people try to grab my son's hand or foot when he's attached to me. Look, I know my kid is cute, but it's never okay to touch without asking. I don't know you and you don't know me. I don't know if you're healthy or have the flu. You don't know if my son is immunosuppressed from a long stay in the NICU. So (little old ladies in Publix), unless you're a good friend of mine, never touch my adorable baby without asking first. 

***

These are just some of my pet peeve things about my son. I'm sure other moms have their own red-button topics: what or how they feed their children, a mom's choice to work or stay home, criticism of their kids' clothing... I've been blessed not to deal with anything too offensive! I'm sure I've accidentally offended other moms from time to time. But I hope each of you are sensitive when talking to mommies you may not know! 

Two Months with August

It has been two months since my son was born. How life has changed! I'm always busy with him, even if he's just napping on me after eating. Somehow at the same time I feel like I can never get anything done and more gets done around the house. I am home more now that I'm a SAHM and not a nanny. I need to keep developing balanced routines with him: playing when he's awake, cleaning and organizing while he's asleep, eating when he's entertaining himself. Hopefully we can set aside more time for me to excercise soon!

August is a great sleeper. We moved him into his own room when he was three weeks old. He was waking up both me an my husband with just his sleepy coos and rolls, and I'm sure we were waking him, too. As of now, he usually only gets up twice at night to eat, and wakes up after 6am. He's slept in past 7am before, and those are great mornings. I usually bring him into our bedroom while my husband gets ready for work. August just loves smiling at us in the morning! I'm surprised how well I've adjusted to less sleep! I hardly notice it now.

August is huge! He's all torso; his limbs haven't caught up yet. I guess that's a good thing, or he'd be in six month sizes instead of three month! He is nine weeks old today, and had his well checkup. He didn't like it so much (so many colors in his face - pale white to angry purple), but he really did okay. 

Our boy has the sweetest toothless grin, a head of crazy hair, and loves to kick his feet to bounce in his bouncy seat. The ceiling fan is a great source of entertainment - movement and contrast! He does well at church and restaurants and grocery shopping. He's such a pleasant, easygoing kid! 

I love my little man!

Realizations from a New Mom

First Month:

1. Recovering from a C-section is draining. Doing so while also feeding another person is more exhausting than I've ever experienced.

2. He and I need each other. There are times I feel nauseated because I need some skin to skin cuddle time with my little man. 

3. Sleep is a premium. If he sleeps on me I can't sleep for his safety. If he's stirring at all I can't sleep for fear he'll rouse and need comforting or feeding. If he is sleeping soundly, I wake up about half an hour or more before his next feeding, which is a waste of much needed mommy rest.

4. Breastfeeding hurts. For nearly the first week we had latching trouble which caused me a lot of pain every time he ate. It's better now that he's gotten practice eating the right way and I've gotten to know the difference between the feeling of a bad latch and old soreness. 

Second Month:

1. Growth spurts stink. All the great rest everyone was getting goes out the window. He's crabby and eating like mad and waking up every two hours. ...then he grins and it's all worth it.

2. Those grins! The first time I realized he was smiling responsively was amazing. He's a charmer; we'll have to keep an eye on him!

3. Breast milk has some force behind its flow. I need to keep a burp cloth nearby for all the spills we make. 

4. Mothers' love is different from other kinds of love. I always am aware of August, even in the back of my mind. I would face my fears for his benefit. It feels different, like wanting to celebrate his tiny achievements and feeling horrible anytime he's upset. It makes our bond all the more special.

August Amzi Stanley

He has arrived!

Tuesday September 2nd at 9:26am, August was born into this world. 

We woke early that morning, spending our last hours of non-parenthood sleepily preparing for surgery. I'd been hoping but gradually losing hope of going into labor naturally. The Braxton Hicks contractions I'd had throughout pregnancy seemed to be all for naught. Walking into the doors of Winnie Palmer, I'd pretty much accepted that. And it was okay. 

Filled with anxious nerves and epidural medication, I was wheeled into the operating room where I would soon meet my son. It only took a few minutes of tugging before the doctors pulled August from my womb and into the world - all nine pounds nine ounces of him!

Then I understood why we had to have a repeat C-section. How would I have ever been able to deliver a baby that size myself? We would have ended up with another emergency operation, or a ruptured uterine wall, or some other catastrophe. God is good in His planning. 

August is whole, and a great, strong baby. I love this little man! 

Eviction Notice to a Baby

August Amzi Stanley,

It has come to our attention that your nine month lease has come to an end. Thus, you must vacate the womb you have been occupying.

We understand that the space you have been living and growing in has been quite comfortable to you, and you may be sloth to leave it. However, please be reassured that you will be promptly furnished with many accommodations which are currently beyond what you can imagine in your fluid filled world. You will be loved and cared for, and given many opportunities to learn and grow that would be impossible should you remain in your current lodgings. You will get to see the faces of the people who you have been hearing (hereafter referred to as "Mama" and "Daddy"), as well as many others. As you continue to grow, you will experience food, crawling, walking, school, friends, and more. Just you wait. It'll be worth it.

You have until 9am on September 2nd to comply. Should you choose to remain, your eviction will be forcefully and medically necessitated. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Happy birthday.

2 Weeks to Go

Today marks two weeks before the C-Section.

In my head I know he still has plenty of time to arrive before then, but having that deadline makes me anxious. I know it won't be the end of the world if August has to be a C-Section baby, but I would be disappointed. I keep feeling like he's just going to stay in there. I know - every pregnant woman says that. I'm just ready. There's nothing else to prepare. I'm ready to be a mom again, without the marring of grief. I'm ready to take him home and have him meet all of his family. All that's left is the waiting.

...Because Gilmore Girls quotes apply to everything.

At the last doctor visit they checked my fluid levels via ultrasound. It was very brief, so they didn't get a great picture, but here's his last photo op until he makes his debut!

37 weeks and 5 days down...

Back Again

Last night we went on the hospital tour. We'd scheduled one last time we were pregnant, but Penny was born before we could do it.

We got to hear about the check-in procedures, see a birthing room, and the nursery. Some was familiar, some was new. We really just wanted to see the "normal" side of the hospital. We are all too familiar with the NICU and the WICU. 

I've been thinking quite a bit about the last time we stayed at Winnie Palmer. In particular, something my dad said. We were giving our family each a chance to hold Penny and say goodbye before they removed the breathing machines and other cords maintaining her life. When my dad held her, he looked at me with a sad smile and said "Next time you're here, it'll be different."

So here I am, not-so-patiently awaiting August to make his appearance, anxious to see all the differences. This time has already been very different from the last pregnancy. All that's left is the wait. Waiting for labor to start. Waiting to see if we can progress naturally to the end or if we'll end up having to do a c-section anyway. 

One thing we know will be different will be the ride home. This time, there will be three of us in the car. 

35 Weeks

August is 35 weeks along now. 

It's weird to think, since Penny didn't officially make it this far. That's just based on the due date they gave her at an early sonogram, though. We're pretty sure she was much closer to term (I'd been keeping track when we were trying to get pregnant) and their estimate was wrong because she was always so small.

On a brighter note, we have pretty much all of the equipment we'll need for August. Thanks to generous friends and family, we didn't have to break the bank, either. The nursery isn't set up yet, but it's on its way.

I've started to take more time off at work. Last week I trained my replacement, and I think she'll be a great nanny for the boys. Her first day she patiently played five games of chess in a row with the oldest. He was in heaven, because I never learned how to play and he was tired of playing against his brother (who, to be fair, tends to walk away from games when he gets bored). She's patient, and flexible, and experienced, and has no qualms about stepping in to correct behavior gently. Just who we needed! God surely provides. I'll still be working two or three days a week for a while to help transition the boys from seeing me all the time. Besides, I'll miss them too!

One final thing: we have a c-section date. We're still hoping to have a VBAC, but that means the doctors won't induce my labor and they won't let me go too far past my official due date. It gets more risky the larger he grows. So, if he doesn't come before then, he'll arrive the morning of September 2nd. The day after Labor Day. Hmmm...

That's a perfect date in our eyes for two reasons. First, his name and birth month won't match. We love his name, but we do know kids can be cruel about that kind of thing. Second, he'll be the oldest in his school year instead of the youngest. Most school cutoff dates are on September 1st. Being the oldest means he has a whole extra year of life experience before starting school. If he is the youngest in his class (born in August) we're not too worried about him academically, based on my husband's and my own academic performance (she said so humbly). And, even if he is the youngest he probably won't be the shortest thanks to his six-foot-seven daddy. Even so, who wouldn't want to give their son every chance to succeed, even down to their birthdate? 

Five weeks left! 

33 Weeks

Thirty-three and a half weeks down. Forty-five days left. In one and a half months we get to meet our son.

Looking back at this point when I was pregnant with Penny, I didn't know that I was about a week from giving birth. I was worrying, going to many, many doctor appointments, and preparing for the unplanable. I was painting a room she would never come home to, but where all of her things would lie for a year and a half, undisturbed but loved. I was longing for the faith to trust God in all circumstances, like Hannah.

This time is so different. I'm getting bigger with child, not with preeclampsia. August is now about twice the size Penny was when she was born. He's healthy. This pregnancy, so far, has been the normal, blah, vanilla ordeal that I wished for last time. So many blessings!

My only concern is being able to go into labor. We want to have a big family, so if we can avoid multiple C-sections, that would be awesome. Thus, we're on the VBAC track. For my OBGYN, that means they won't induce me. It would be too risky. Not that there aren't risks with VBAC, but if we can have one successful vaginal birth, the benefits greatly outweigh. They'll schedule a C-section date for me, in case I go past my due date, and if that ends up being how August comes into this world, so be it. However, if I hadn't taken the opportunity to try having a more natural birth I would have regretted it. In the end, we'll see what God has planned for us.

In a month and a half we get to meet our son. I can't wait to bring him home!

August Amzi Stanley

We've finally settled on a name!

August Amzi Stanley.

Our son.

After months of thinking, scrolling through lists of names, eliminating, adding, changing our minds... we finally came up with one that stuck. My husband was never in a hurry to nail down his name. He had to keep reminding me that we don't have to decide until we fill out the birth certificate. I was more antsy about it, to say the least. I wanted to call him by his name! But that's one of the situations that works out in our marriage. If I'm getting ahead of myself, he's good at bringing me back to where we are.

We've known for a long time that we like the name Amzi. We got the name from the line of Stanley men my husband had memorized years ago. Its his great great great grandfather's name.

So we needed a first name that went with Amzi. Among other names, we considered Augustine, like the saint. My husband had read City of God a while back, and really enjoyed it. But Augustine seemed too out-of-date for a first name, and I knew I'd shorten it to August anyway. Not Auggie. We know some people who shorten their grandson's name to Auggie, but neither of us care for that. So we pondered some more, but the name August stuck around. He'll most likely be born in the month of August, but I figure that's just a good excuse for his friends to not forget his birthday. After some "beta testing" we made the decision.

Our son's name is August Amzi Stanley.