Today in church we sang 10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord) by Matt Redman. I began thinking about the words, and how they reminded me of Penny.
...Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes.
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore.
I thought about her last moments, when her daddy began singing hymns to her.
When that starts I always get mixed feelings. I begin a spiral of missing her, wishing I could have spent more time with her during those two days, wishing I could have avoided a C-section, waiting for a time to try again to be parents, feeling like God took away my dreams and expectations of being a mom. On the other hand, I know God has a perfect plan in all of it. I think He must have known her life would not have been a blessing, whether from pain of her imperfect body or teasing from harsh peers or some other unknown cause. I think she is the most blessed and loved by being spared a long life on earth waiting for Him, instead going to the Father after only two days of pain. She gets to meet three of her great-grandparents. For myself, I think He is forcing me to give him the think I most covet - motherhood. Not forever, I think, but in a mindset. He took her not to be cruel to me, but to teach me how the children of my womb are His children, and should not be my idols. It is still something I want deeply, and rightly I think, but in His wisdom He is preempting my tendency to be wrapped up in my children instead of wrapping my children in God.
That is how I can sing His praise after four long months (already four months?). He is great and powerful. I'm glad to know His plan is good forevermore.